How To Love Black Children
Are you raising your children or are you just passing down generational trauma?
Black child,
You within yourself are the epitome of glorious freedom
If it was not for you
The world would not glow the way it does
No one ever knew darkness could shine
until they laid eyes upon your skin
please do not let the coldness of this world fool you
You and your light
Were sent here to make things warm again
The Roots of Black Parenting
If you are or used to be a black child and you’re reading this, I hope you came here in search of tools to be used for healing. If you are the father, mother, or caretaker of a black child, please use what you’ll read as a lesson or revelation rather than seeing it as an attack.
How do you love your black child? You kiss them softly on their cheek. You say sweet words to them before they can understand the art of language. Being a parent consists of providing a roof over your child’s head, food in their stomachs, and clothes on their backs. The basics, right? All things that the government can do for your babies, but you want them to worship the ground you walk on for giving them what’s necessary for survival.
Questions for the black children reading this: Have your parents ever apologized to you? Have they ever admitted that they were wrong for something they did to you? Have they ever given you an apology you didn’t ask for?
If you’ve grown up in what some of us might label the typical black household, your answer to those questions is probably “no”. We have to learn to look at our children as humans. As a black parent, you realize that your children are going to one day, become grown adults. You probably bring it up quite often. You say, “When you’re grown and have your own damn house, you can do such and such!” or “Once you grow up and have your own damn kids, you can tell them what to do! But you’re not going to tell me what you’re going to do in my house!” Yes, it is important to let your child know who is in charge. Especially when they are at an age when their judgment is not as sound as yours. However, we can afford to step back and take a look at how our words and actions affect our children both presently and over time.
Asserting your authority as a parent is not the same thing as teaching your child how to be controlled, how to submit, or how to take your word as law. Sometimes we need to admit that we are wrong. Toxic parenting is a common practice within the black community. And thanks to social media, it’s even more evident than it was before. Black Twitter is always creating memes and hashtags that reflect what the black experience is all around the world. For example, #GrowingUpBlack is a popular hashtag created by the black community on Twitter. This hashtag has produced many accounts of toxic parenting and oppression. But, we just shrug, laugh, and hit the retweet button. Black children, you see now that you are not alone, but do you realize what it truly means? You share trauma that has been passed down for generations. The way your parents treat you is influenced by how their parents treated them, and so on. But where did this all begin?
When it comes to parenting, the great debate of the last two decades has been based on this question: Should we or shouldn’t we spank our kids? Black parents and caretakers reading this are already pouting and sucking their teeth. Black children reading this have probably been beaten or spanked before by a parent or caretaker. There’s no arguing the fact that people behave based on what they are taught; whether it be passively or actively. As a community, Black Americans must admit that much of our culture, unfortunately, has a very real connection to slavery. We’ve passively internalized the trauma and continue to pass it down with each new generation that comes along. Slave owners would beat their slaves to control them, or discipline them. This is evident given the fact that masters would often have their other slaves watch as they publicly punished another, thus setting an example and sending a message. This reinforced obedience across the plantation. Watching this and or having it done to you or someone you loved is a traumatic experience, rather you became numb to it or not.
Black parents, let’s not forget that as a slave, your master would’ve owned you and your children. They were more his property than they were yours, so he could tell you what to do with your babies. If he wanted to sell them, they were sold! If they did something wrong, it was often encouraged that they be beaten by someone, preferably you. Unless you wanted the plantation owner to darn near take your child’s life right before your eyes. So you had no choice but to beat your baby. You had to protect them. You had to keep them under your control, teach them to be obedient, and not challenge authority. Those decisions were understandable.
However, that kind of parenting was used as a survival technique so that black families could retain some sense of togetherness. Controlling your child meant that there was a lesser chance they are sold off, raped, or mutilated as punishment for disobedience. The world today is still a scary place to raise a black child in, but we don’t have the same trials our ancestors did. Black children can be a little freer now than they could before, yet you discourage their growth in ways you don’t even realize.
Questions for the Black Parents reading this: Have you ever said or suggested the phrase “I told you so!” to your child? Have you ever kept them from doing something just because you didn’t feel secure about it? Have you ever taken liberties with them without their consent simply because they are your child?
If you’re one of the black parents that can relate to those Twitter posts mentioned earlier, your answer is probably “no” because you are not yet ready to take accountability for your actions. If you are ready to start the long process of breaking a generational curse, you’ll one day soon be ready to admit that you have done these things and more. Having control over something makes people feel like they have a purpose as they matter, and this is not the way you should view your children. Your little birdies grow up, they want to adventure and leave the nest. You don’t want them to go, so you say and do things to make them feel unfit for the world. The moment they fall flat on their face, you feel giddy because you were right and they were wrong. That’s not healthy parenting. But of course, you’re probably thinking that no one has the right to tell you the right way to raise your child.
How Trauma Blossoms
Being a healthy well-rounded adult is a tough goal to achieve. Nobody has total control over what happens during their childhood. We don’t pick our trauma and scars, and we’re forced to live with them every day for the rest of our lives. The reason you are reading an article on how to love black children is an obvious sign that something doesn’t feel right. Perhaps you feel like something is missing and you’re searching for answers. You could’ve realized your personality and how it’s linked to your relationship or lack thereof with your mother or father. Whatever the case may be, there is no denying the facts. Who you are right now is the result of how life has molded you thus far.
For the black children reading this, it is okay to love your parents or guardians even if you feel they have never truly loved you back. Putting scientific terms aside, the bare basics are enough to let you know your feelings are valid. You and everyone else on this planet came into existence as an infant, a human being incapable of caring for yourself, but luckily you had someone there to help you. Parents care for their children without asking for anything in return. It appears a pure and simple bond. How could you not love them? In the beginning stages of your life, they are your provider, your protector, your everything and you believe you are the center of their world.
But, as children, what we fail to realize is that our mom and dad lived a life before us. They had their own parents and experiences that have made them who they are. So we look back on our past and remember that time our father walked out on our mom, so now we have abandonment issues and a hero complex. Or maybe you can’t stop thinking about how you felt neglected because you never had a fresh haircut in middle school. After all, your dad wasn’t involved enough to take you to the barbershop. These things didn’t happen with the sole intent of hurting you, but as a child, we can’t make the distinction between our moms and dads being parents and them being their own person with their own internal struggles and conflicts.
Black parents, you’ve made mistakes. Some of them you know were mistakes, and others you might not see as a big deal because the same things were done to you, but that does not justify it. Picture a wealthy family that owns land, shares in a pretty lucrative stock, a couple of small businesses, etc. As the family expands and the next generation comes about, they can inherit this wealth. But this is not the case for many black American families. We often inherit trauma and nothing else. And this trauma often snowballs into even more serve trauma that is nursed with drugs, alcohol, and violence. This also creates even more trauma and the cycle keeps going, getting stronger and harder to break with each new generation.
Whoever said, “The Children are Our Future”, spoke the absolute truth. Black parents love to say, “I want my kids to have better than I had”, but as a community, we need to realize that this does not just mean the hottest sneakers or the latest phone. Our children come into this world with challenges waiting to jump onto their shoulders and slow their progression into a happy healthy adult. The best thing you can give them is a love you never received. This kind of love involves hard work. And some of the hardest work humans have to endure is mastering the art of self-healing.
How to Start Healing
When you’re hurt, the one thing you desire the most is for the pain to go away. If you accidentally give yourself a paper cut, it’s a sharp pain that can easily be soothed with cold water and a Band-Aid. But emotional pain cannot be healed in the same manner as physical pain.
Words are powerful. Speaking things into existence is more realistic than one might think. Think back to the questions asked earlier in this article. It is hard to forgive when you never received an apology. Black children, the first step of your healing process will involve a conversation. Sometimes, those who have experienced trauma that they never got a chance to heal from will not fully realize how it is impacting their loved ones. Yes, this means you will have to go to your parents and talk about the trauma you’ve been gifted. This will be messy, and uncomfortable, and may not end with the desired results. It is important to remember that vocalizing your pain or releasing it from your body in some form is a key component of your healing. If you speak about your pain to your parents and they deny their contribution and refused to apologize, then you must let go. Acceptance is the only road to take. Just because they aren’t willing or ready to heal does not mean you have to be. Find your own way. Use your own words.
For black parents, it is okay to apologize to their children even if no one ever apologized to you for your suffering. Just because you never received validation does not mean what you feel inside isn’t real or worthy of recognition. You are well aware of your faults and shortcomings, but you have to make a conscious choice to improve yourself. And not just for you, but for your children as well. When we take a look at the black community in America and see what is destroying families, we see the same things. There’s drug and alcohol dependency, sexual abuse, crime, etc. Our children deserve better. Of course, no one plans to contribute to these negative influences, yet here you are. You’re reading this article and you feel uneasy, but hopefully, it forces you to realize that there is a problem and it is not easy to solve.
Mental health is a very taboo topic for Black Americans. Instead of seeking professional counseling, we self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, food, etc. which snowballs into a bigger problem for us and those we love. This leads to an increase in mental illnesses and trauma that just gets passed down to our children and grandchildren. Some people call it a curse. If that’s the case, then it’s about time we find the magic potion to remedy our suffering. Black children already have it hard enough. They come into this world with targets on their back and multiple strikes against them. They don’t need an alcoholic mother or an absent father. They don’t need you to shut them out while you lock yourself in the bathroom and get high. They don’t need an emotionally unstable parent that never healed themselves but has the nerve to think they can mold someone else’s life.
If you truly want to know how to love black children, you have to first focus on the black child inside of you. Start from the beginning and work your way towards a better version of yourself. This will include looking at the darkest parts of your inner self, the parts where you feel something is missing, and the parts that you tend to fill with people and things that will only block your light. You can heal, it is possible, and you can raise black children that are happy and healthy and ready to take on a world that wasn’t built for their survival.
Disclaimer: The views, information, or opinions expressed in the above writing are solely those of the author(s). The content of this writing is provided for general interest only. It is not intended to, and does not, amount to advice that you should rely on. This is not in any way an alternative to specific advice. You should obtain the relevant professional or specialist advice before taking, or refraining from, any action based on the content above. If you have questions about any medical matter, you should consult your doctor or other professional healthcare provider without delay. If you think you are experiencing any medical condition you should seek immediate medical attention from a doctor or other professional healthcare provider.
