How to Love Black Men
Because Society Doesn’t. . .
Co-Written by Taj and Steven Smith Jr.
Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle. Love is a war. — James Baldwin
Before you read this, think about what brought you here. Why are you even interested in reading a commentary on loving black men? Is it because of the recent murders of innocent unarmed black men? You’ve seen the videos, you’re horrified, and now you want to feel better so you read something like this. Or perhaps you don’t read it. You skim over it and hit the share button to make it look like you care about loving black men. Your friends and followers will hit the like button and re-share to also give the same illusion. Do you want to know how to love a black man? The first step to figuring that out is to admit that the black man is often unloved. He’s unloved by society, by his friends, his partners, and even his family. Sounds sad, right? So how can we fix it? It won’t be easy, but it’s possible.
If you’re a black man reading this you’re probably here just to see what this piece has to say because you don’t usually see anything like this. You’re surprised that there’s an article about loving you! But how dare someone have the audacity to say your family and friends don’t love you! Of course, they love you, but do you feel it? Do you feel the love everywhere you need to? Did it ever feel like the love stopped? A better question would be: Do you even know what love feels like without barriers, fear of judgment, and unrealistic expectations? This piece is for you too, not just those who seek the proper tools to love you. You have a lot of unlocking, uncovering, and breaking of curses to do on this journey of learning to love yourself.
Raising Black Boys to Love Themselves
If you’re a regular social media user or you keep up with feminist news, you’ve likely come across a post that promotes the Raise Boys and Girls the Same Way movement. That might sound a little scary to some of you reading this, and to others, it might sound like a great idea. If we raised boys and girls the same way all of our problems would disappear, right? However, if you perform a Google search on this topic, the results will be t-shirts available for order on Amazon and Esty and a bunch of articles written by white-female feminists who just recently become mothers. Contrary to popular belief, not all men are the same, so these articles expressing how to raise white suburban boys to become better men won’t be a proper blueprint for all. One could argue that these feminists are more so focused on their agenda rather than the emotional and social progression of men and boys. So why even bring this up? Because this movement has provided an opening for us to talk about the way we’re raising boys, but sadly, men aren’t the ones talking. So we’ll take a look at how we can raise black boys to love themselves instead of just raising them in a way that solely benefits the relationship they’ll have with women.
If you’ve read the first installment of this series, How to Love Black Children, you’re aware of how traditional black parenting can be damaging and toxic. According to research, there are four types of parenting styles, two of which fit the kind of parenting mentioned in the previous commentary. The Authoritarian and Uninvolved styles of parenting are the two that black boys experience the most. Using both of those parenting styles usually produces children who are overly aggressive and have a severe lack of self-esteem. The authoritarian parent usually views their rules as law in their households, so if their child doesn’t follow them it will result in some sort of punishment. They want their child to feel sorry for their mistakes. The uninvolved parent often distances themselves from their child by failing to build a relationship or being interested in their life outside of their home. For black boys, this sounds all too familiar. A combination of both parenting styles results in a, “As long as you’re doing what you’re supposed to do, I ain’t worried about you.” This is not the attitude that shows black boys they are cared about, loved, or valued. Being nonchalant yet strict opens as many doors as it closes. It blocks young black boys from developing a sense of self-worth while shutting them out from their own emotions and ability to build healthy and meaningful connections with others.
The one thing no one wants to talk about is how this can lead to mental illnesses. Such a taboo topic within the black community, but it’s always been more apparent than ever that black men are suffering and the suffering started during their childhood. It started when you scraped your knee while playing outside. You cried, real tears and everything, but no doubt about it, someone told you: suck it up, rub some dirt in it, men don’t cry. Over time you were told a lot of things that men don’t do, all of which involved showing your emotions or displaying your passion. If you were caught doing anything “unmanly”, you were teased for it by your friends, older brother, and cousins. You may have even been physically punished for it by your father or maybe even your mother if they thought you knew better. They probably said something about you acting like a sissy or a girl. Or maybe they used the dreaded G-word! You know what it is. You were told that if you did this or that it meant you were gay or you were going to be gay. Since you’re not a child growing up in today’s somewhat progressive society, you may have not even fully understood what “being gay” actually was. You just knew from your homophobic upbringing that it was something “bad” a man didn’t want to be. But understand that wasn’t love. That was oppression rooted in fear and ignorance. We’ve made emotions a crime. And for what? Because that’s what being a man is? In the article, Black Boys Want To Cry…In When Will We Let Them, writer Joi Weathers states,
Too many times and for far too long we have trained our young men in the same guerrilla tactics used to strip them of their innocence and vulnerability…As a result, they’re breaking before our very eyes. Unresponsive, incapable of experiencing love, broken yet breathing, and it is heartbreaking to see….So, what is to be done for them…Are we just supposed to idly sit by as an aspect of our demographic drowns in emotional quicksand? (BlackDoctor.Org).
This reinforces the silent suffering black boys are facing. For those of you who aren’t black men reading this, imagine being one. From childhood, you’ve been raised to be this nonchalant, emotionless being. If you ever showed your true feelings or expressed yourself a little too much, you were shunned, punished, or mocked. Now, add the fact that society sees you as this monster they need to protect themselves from. As soon as you’re old enough, you realize that there’s a target on your back. Not only are you not allowed to have feelings, but you aren’t allowed to exist outside of someone else’s personal preferences or beliefs. Are you getting the picture now? It’s illegal to be you! No matter which way you turn.
Though it may seem like we’re in a corner when it comes to raising black boys to love themselves, there is a way out of this cycle. Parents, please expose your black son to positive images of himself that aren’t the usual black male athlete or entertainer. Because allowing him to only see successful black men who are athletes, rappers, actors, etc. limits the imagination and can damage the self-esteem of black boys who aren’t athletic or may never have the ability to drop a hot sixteen bars on command. Chances are you’re not raising the next LeBron James or Kendrick Lamar, so make sure your boy can connect with other interests. Introducing books and television shows with black male protagonists is a good way to start. Give your black son creative outlets to use as a healthy method of expression. Craft, music, art, etc. are all activities that allow a connection to one’s emotions without requiring verbal expression. It is important to remember that if you do not teach and nurture your black boy, then the “streets”, the media, and predominately white spaces, will. All are places inhabiting the perpetuation of stereotypes and negative representations of black men.
The next thing those of you raising black boys need to do is raise your sons. Yeah, you’re getting called out. No more tyrant-like parenting under an uninterested gaze. Be involved in your son’s life, get to know what he’s interested in, bond over something other than sports, and most importantly, have those difficult conversations. Have a talk with him about things he’ll have to face out in the world. Save him some pain and tell him how race, sexuality, and religion are viewed by society and what that may mean for him once he goes out on his own. Don’t tell him he’s gay for acting feminine or doing something that isn’t traditionally viewed as masculine. Although you don’t want to hear it, that’s abusive and you’re teaching your child to be prejudiced against an entire group of people. Set aside your own beliefs when raising your black son. Trying to force your perspective on a child isn’t fair and likely won’t provide your desired results. Every child grows into an adult and forms their own opinions, but sometimes it takes longer to progress. By the time black men realize their childhood was this toxic, they’ve already grown up. Now they have to learn how to navigate life in a way that keeps them safe from danger and ridicule. Untangling childhood trauma is probably at the bottom of their list. After all, they’ve been conditioned to separate themselves from their emotions. So raising black boys to love themselves requires us to grant them two very important allowances: the power to define themselves before others do and the ability to be human.
Why Don’t Black Women Love Black Men?
Having now a better understanding of the garden the black man has been planted in, we can now move forward to examine who is watering him. The complicated relationship between black men and black women warrants a commentary of its very own, but for now, the focus will be the black woman’s relationship with her counterpart. For the ladies reading this, don’t jump to the defense because this isn’t really about you. You’re here to find out how to love black men, right? And chances are you’ve been loving him incorrectly this entire time. The reality is that black women still need to learn how to love black men the way they need to be loved, and not how they think they should be loved. In many heterosexual relationships, women tend to express their love for men based on preconceived notions. You think about men as these simple creatures that should be easy enough to please. This is exactly what they want you to think because this will prevent you from trying to coax him into displaying his true feelings, wants, and desires. Don’t let him fool you! He’s not one-dimensional. He’s a human being just like you are. Yes, of course, he wants good cooking, sexual pleasure, entertainment, and material things, but that’s just surface-level. Loving a black man does not have a beginning and an end. If you think about it ladies, you also want good cooking, sexual pleasure, and material things. But that’s not all you want. You want to feel a sense of security, an authentic emotional connection, and so does he. Expecting someone to feel loved just because you’re having sex with them and feeding them sounds odd, doesn’t it? But that’s often the way black women treat black men.
We see it on social media every day. Women post pictures and videos of the meals they’ve prepared for their significant other. It seems like a sweet gesture, but then you’ll read the caption that says, “Get you a me” accompanied by the heart eyes emoji. Then it becomes less cute and more of an advertisement. You scroll a little further down the news feed and you see the #ShampooBottleChallenge, which is essentially a contest to display the power of a man’s erection by balancing a bottle of shampoo on his penis. Multiple women are in the comments either giving phrases or mocking him. You may think this kind of attention feels good, but the sexual objectification of black men is a real thing. Ladies, black men are more than just what is between their legs! You need to stop reinforcing the idea that the size of a man’s genitals is greater than or equal to his value as a romantic prospect. Men struggle with body image too. Just as you are overly concerned with the size of your breast, waist, and butt; he is the same way when it comes to the size of his penis. Black men are expected to have porn star-like penises. If you’re a non-black man, and you’re reading this, you’re probably asking what the big deal is. So what if everyone thinks you have a big dick? That’s a good thing, right? Women will be rushing to get into bed with you! But what about those black men who…don’t live up to the stereotype? In case you didn’t know, the average size of a fully erect penis is between 5 and 6 inches. Need more information? Well, out of 100 men, only about five would be longer than 6 inches. You’ll also find that only 5% of men have penises that are under 5 inches. So there is no real reason to assume all black men are above average, nor is there a reason to dismiss him as a lover because he isn’t.
Questions for the black men reading this: Do you think you’re the type of man most black women would want to date? Do you think women just want you for your money? Do you think women of other races and ethnicities are only attracted to you because of the penis stereotype? Do you think they see you as a mixed baby factory? Black men have been conditioned to think that any attention from a woman should be welcomed, regardless of the circumstances as long as they maintain their dominant position as a man. So they should be okay with a woman only having sex with them for their money or using them to make a baby. As long as he’s getting some pussy right? This is wrong and a very toxic mindset to have. Black men want to be loved beyond this, so ladies, do you know what you need to do? If you want to love a black man, you have to forget what you think you know. You should hold him when he needs to be held, let him cry, be vulnerable, and don’t throw it back in his face when you’re arguing a way to emasculate him. Because we know that’s your favorite go-to. As soon as you guys get into an argument he’s broke and has a little dick. That’s emotional abuse if you didn’t know. Loving a black man is not using him to fulfill a need or trying to shape him into something he’s not. You have to find the one that’s right for you. Black men are beautifully complex creatures.
Think about him as your favorite television show. You love this show so much, you can name every character and describe their personality; and you know each actor’s real name, birthday, and zodiac sign. You have each episode set to record so even if you miss it one week you can always go back and watch it later. Sounds like you love this show, doesn’t it? Can you say the same for black men? Probably not. See, the thing is, you can’t say you love something when you don’t know anything about it. How can you say you love a black man when you don’t know how he was built, or what battles he is fighting; not only outside, but inside as well? The man you are attempting to love may not be what you’re used to seeing or what you imagined in your head. He is not your perfect boyfriend from your teenage dreams. He’s going to come to you carrying his flaws, emotional scars, and dark secrets. He might be different from your idea of black men. Maybe his taste in music goes outside of rap and r&b. So what if you get into the car and he’s listening to Maroon 5? It’s not the end of the world, sis. You need to step outside that confront zone. Ask yourself right now: Do I want to love black men or do I just want a repressed stereotype? There is no one-size-fits-all format so you can’t “…be afraid to have non-traditional relationships. Don’t be afraid to have a relationship that’s different from your parents, that’s different from your girlfriends. That’s different from what TV and movies tell you your relationship should look like’’ (NPR.Org). The black man is not your trick, so stop using him for his money. He’s not your guard dog, so stop getting your brother or boyfriend to fight some dude over something petty and dumb. He’s not a free meal. He’s not a piece of dick or an accessory to show off to your friends. Once you start seeing him for what he is, then you can be well on your way to learning to love him. Black men are worthy of the same kind of love you’re asking for, ladies. You just have to be willing to give to get.
Once again, before anyone gets in their feelings; no one is saying you have to compromise. No one is saying you should sit back and allow yourself to be abused either. One key thing black women have to remember when attempting to love a black man is that he must be ready to receive it. By now, you have to understand that emotions are something men have been taught to hide. So, yes, he’ll be difficult to read, but you have to try. If he’s someone you want to love, you must express that to him. And then if he says he’s ready, proceed, but do so with condition. When it comes down to it, we’re all delicate and we’re all flawed. So let’s make moves towards handling black men with care and compassion so that love becomes reality and not just fantasy.
Black Male Friendships
If you lived in a world where the odds were stacked against you, where would you find your peace? It’s rather difficult for black men to find a space where they can be their unique authentic selves. Throughout this commentary, you’ve read about the black man’s upbringing and his relationship with women. Now let’s move toward his relationship with other black men. Despite popular belief, black men do care for each other, and black male friendships are a truly beautiful sight to see. The media and other negative influences try to paint black men as these aggressive monster-like persons, but they are far from that. So, more questions for the black men reading this: What does friendship look like for you? What kind of things do you talk about with your friends? Does it always involve sports, women, or sex? For those on the outside looking in, male friendships look super easy-going and judgment-free, but that’s not true at all. Especially for black men. There’s a pressure to maintain a certain image among their friends just as there is with everyone else. When you think of what it means to be someone’s friend, you probably think of it as having a bond of mutual affection with someone, but oftentimes it goes deeper than that. You love your friends and think of them as a significant part of your life. Black men, you love your friends too. But maybe it’s rare for you to ask your bro how his day was. Perhaps you want to vent to your other black male friends about a problem you’re having, but you don’t want to sound “soft” or like a “pussy”. But these are the things you do with your friends. You check in on them, ask how their day was, and allow them to vent to you when they need a shoulder to lean on. If you want to have any kind of meaningful relationship with anyone, it’s healthy to express some sort of affection towards them. But as discussed earlier, affection requires an emotional vulnerability that black males have been conditioned to keep locked away. Right now, you might be thinking that understanding this should mean black males can easily find comfort in each other. If you’re a black man, it makes sense that another black man should know exactly what you’re battling and allow you the space to be yourself.
There are places, like barbershops, where black men feel a sense of community, belonging, and kinship. But expanding and reshaping these spaces is the key to bringing love into the conversation when it comes to black male bonding. Black men have to allow each other to be themselves and not just stereotypes of what black men are. The bonding doesn’t go any deeper because “men’’ don’t sit around and talk about their feelings as women do. The reason for this kind of barrier is that,
Black Masculinity has to be instated to a higher degree than White Masculinity because of the slavery and the Jim Crow era. Within these time periods, Black Men were not allowed to perform the duties of what is considered masculine because it would allot power to the Black Race (Gsws.Pitt.Edu).
So now, we have raised generations of black men to never show any sign of weakness because they live in a world where they lack power and empathy from others. Why show your feelings if nobody cares? Keeping them inside maintains your position as a “real man” and you don’t get ridiculed by your friends for acting like a “female”. But black men, please understand that this is a toxic mindset that is detrimental to black males’ mental and physical health. Statistics show that in 2017 suicide was the second leading cause of death for African Americans, ages 15 to 24, and about 1 in 10 black men committed suicide. Unfortunately, the numbers are still going up. So given the fact that mental health is already a taboo within the black community, black men have to put in the work to save themselves.
Fellas, how is it that you have a space like a barbershop; a place where all ages are welcome, but few ideas come to fruition and little wisdom is gained? Don’t you want a space to speak, say what you believe in, and be supported in that? Don’t underestimate the power of spending time with someone who looks and thinks like you. And take advantage of it. If black males want to be friends with one another, there needs to be more dialogue around things that are beneficial to their friendship and growth as a person. You need to be there for each other, be willing to have complex, deep, and uncomfortable conversations, and encourage one another. Don’t wait until you’re Akeem Baker (Ahmaud Arbery’s best friend) and you’ve lost your homie to the senseless violence that claims the lives of black men every day. Tell your friend that you love him. Tell him that he matters. In all, support each other’s blackness, black maleness, and humanness.
For the non-black people reading this who have a black male friend, there’s something here for you as well. Chances are you’re already a pretty good friend if you’re reading this commentary for its intended purposes. If you want to be able to show love for a friend, the best thing you can do is continue your education beyond reading this. People rarely study the culture and background of others without it being an assignment or related to something in entertainment. You can’t get all your information on black men from watching movies, listening to hip-hop, and hanging out with your one or two black friends. Studying black history is not exclusively reserved for black people. This way, maybe you can begin to understand what your black male friend is going through. And don’t be afraid to talk to him about the difficult racial stuff that you both try to avoid because it makes you uncomfortable. Be respectful and go to him to get a better understanding and not argue or take sides. Trust that your interest will make him feel loved and supported. Speaking of support, you have to support your black male friends! If you want to show them that you love them, you have to stand up for them. This means refusing to remain silent when you see injustices against black people. We’re talking about more than a post or hashtag. We’re talking about using your privilege as a non-black man to speak out against crimes committed against him. And please don’t sit there and think that the black man you’re friends with is “different” and would never get into that kind of “trouble”. Because in the eyes of many, he’s not different at all. He’s a threat, a thug, and anything else they can use to label him as something unworthy. To many people, he doesn’t matter, so he must matter to you. So even if it’s not your close friend that has been murdered on camera, you still must speak about it, act on it, and be about it. Be about it like it was your black best friend, or black boyfriend, or black coworker that was shot down in the street. Because if you don’t help push for change, next time, it could be.
If you want to love a black man, you’re going to have to love him all the way around. Love him from corner to corner no matter how dark it may be. Because that’s where he needs it the most. He needs you in those places where he’s lost himself and can’t find his way. Everyone told the little black boy not to cry, but he still does. Even though you may not see the tears. If you’re not ready for a journey that involves a lot of hurting, fighting, and healing, you may not be ready to love black men. For black men, no one ever comes to save the day. Love can look foreign to them some days, but this doesn’t mean they aren’t deserving of it. So how do you love black men? It may feel complicated after reading this, but it’s not. You simply love him the best you can in a world that doesn’t.
Dedicated to George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, and all the other black men who have lost their lives to senseless violence and police brutality. You matter. You always have and you always will.
Disclaimer: The views, information, or opinions expressed in the above writing are solely those of the author(s). The content of this writing is provided for general interest only. It is not intended to, and does not, amount to advice that you should rely on. This is not in any way an alternative to specific advice. You should obtain the relevant professional or specialist advice before taking, or refraining from, any action based on the content above. If you have questions about any medical matter, you should consult your doctor or other professional healthcare provider without delay. If you think you are experiencing any medical condition you should seek immediate medical attention from a doctor or other professional healthcare provider.
