How To Love Black Women

…because who does she have except herself?

“The most disrespected person in America is the black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the black woman. The most neglected person in America is the black woman.” — Malcolm X

To the non-black women reading this, thank you for your interest. The hope is that you are here out of more than just curiosity. Even though you aren’t a black woman, you might see parts of yourself here. As you read you might start to think about someone you know, love, or respect. Whoever you are, keep the quote above in mind as you read. Don’t let your mind become clouded with what you think you know about black women. Allow your heart to open and make room for her.

Black women, learning how to love yourself will not be an easy journey, but it’ll be a beautiful one. There are ladders to climb, detox to be done, and muscles to stretch. You will ache, cry, and want to give up at times. Resist the urge to be complicit. Don’t let your magic melt into nothingness and allow yourself to slip into the pool of neglect and disrespect. Protect your peace, body, soul, and spirit. You need no introduction to yourself. You know who you are but perhaps after this read you will be able to look at yourself in a different light. A light that is brighter, focused, and shines just for you.

You are Worthy

Question for the Black women reading this: Has anyone ever told you that you don’t love yourself? They could’ve said this to you because of the way you dress, your weight, or how you speak. You likely got offended when this was said to you, but after that initial feeling of offense subsided, did you consider their statement? Have you ever thought: Do I love myself? It is an uncomfortable question to ask, but it is one that only you can answer. No one else can name your value. If you ask yourself that tough question and the answer is no, that’s okay.

There are parts of you that other people will judge, but you are your own worst critic. There are all different kinds of love, but the one thing they all have in common is that they don’t happen overnight. You won’t just wake up one day and suddenly love yourself. Love for one’s self must first be a seed, planted deep inside the soil that is your mind and body. Then it must be watered each day and given the proper amount of sunlight.

Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, not only do I not love myself, but no one else does either. The idea of having to love yourself before someone is both a fable and a fact. Some eyes fall upon you and see all the beauty hidden underneath your suffering. They see through your mask, the walls you put up, and the fake smile you wear, and they love you anyway. But the problem here lies with you being able to see this. Without realizing that you are worthy of love, you won’t be able to recognize when someone loves you.

Don’t underestimate the power of affirmation. Unfortunately, we live in a world where we’re all constantly told to hate ourselves before we even fully understand what hate is or where it stems from. Do you remember when you were a little black girl? Can you remember the first time you didn’t feel good enough, pretty enough, felt ugly, or wished you were someone else? If your answer to any of those questions was yes, then you understand that you have not fully loved yourself for a long time. You’ve likely seen the video of four-year-old Ariyonna Cotton, getting her hair braided by her mother. You might have expected another cute video of a preschooler doing something adorable while the proud parent records, but Ariyonna shocked the world when she proclaimed, “I’m ugly!” and broke down into tears. Dr. Imani J. Walker, a Los Angeles-based psychiatrist explains,

Black women are not valued in society and this starts early on in our lives…We collectively learn too early that we aren’t desired by beauty standards. Teaching girls to love themselves despite what society dictates is not only empowering but crucial for our identities (shondaland.com).

Here, Dr. Walker explains that there is a little Ariyonna that lives within every black woman. She’ll always be there, but that doesn’t mean you have to continue to let her hate herself. The little black girl inside of you still has power over who you are now. It’ll take some doing, but you’ll have to unlearn all the self-hate that’s been implanted inside your head. The little black girls of today are looking to you for guidance. You are the roadmap they’re subconsciously using to plan their future. Just like money and trauma, self-love is generational. It can be passed down to your children, your younger sister, your nieces, or whoever is looking to you as a source of knowledge.

No one is saying you have to live for others. The idea of a “free” black woman is one many people might take offense to. It’s hard to find a space on the internet that isn’t bashing and abusing black women. It almost seems like people take offense to you choosing to be happy. But happiness and self-love look different depending on the individual. You might think this is going to turn into a piece shaming black women who decide to alter their appearance to fit a rather impossible standard of beauty. Well, this piece is not meant to oppress anyone. It only exists to uplift and inform. Saving up your money to buy a bigger butt, bleach your skin, or get lip injections is your business. However, doing those things just to seem desirable in the eyes of others isn’t recommended. Let it be for you. The changes you make have to be rooted in intentions to be the best version of yourself.

We have to let the little black girls inside of us and in front of us know that the body we were born with is a beautiful one no matter how dark, or how many scars, bumps, burns, or bruises come along with it. Once, you were only a canvas, but now you are an artist too. You hold the brush between your fingers, so you must paint fiercely. Paint a picture of yourself that is worthy of a love you only thought possible in dreams and fantasies.

You Have A Place in the World

No matter who you are, society will often tell you who you need to be. Society will almost always be wrong. If society is in control of the narrative, black women are a story of pain. You’re a bitch, hoe, ghetto, ugly, gold digger, baby momma, stupid, and just all-around underserving of any respect or honest affection.

The way society depicts the black woman damages many aspects of her life. For example, women in general struggle in the workplace. It is exponentially more difficult for women to get promotions or receive any kind of recognition to help advance their careers. This is often because women are seen as rude or aggressive if they exhibit behavior similar to that of men who would be seen as confident and respectable. For black women, this is even more prominent. Senior Contributor Janice Gassam Asare states, “Black women must overcome the angry black woman stereotype, which characterizes black women as bad-tempered, hostile, and overly aggressive” (forbes.com). A black woman who is already carrying the weight of gender oppression has to tote this stereotype along her professional journey as well. Asare goes on to highlight the experiences of Serena Williams, Michelle Obama, Jemele Hill, and Shonda Rhimes. All four of these amazingly talented women were accused of being the “angry black woman” thanks to them either demanding to be recognized or treated fairly.

For those of you who are non-black women, take a moment and imagine being one. How would you feel if everyone at work expected you to be rude, disrespectful, and hot-headed? You don’t even get the expectation of being a soft, docile, or compliant worker bee like other women get. You’re immediately labeled as a hostile being, more like a walking stick of dynamite, they’re all just waiting to explode. So what can you do? Stay quiet, make sure others feel comfortable in your presence and don’t ruffle any feathers or refuse any impossible request. Because you know, that the moment you speak up; eyebrows will rise and nostrils will flare. Any small possibility of promotion or advancement that might’ve been on the table for you is knocked over. That is the reality for most black women. If just being a female means you have to work twice as hard as your male counterparts; being a black female must at least triple that.

Coupled with this negative stereotype is the notion that black women lack intelligence due to how they speak. The use of Ebonics or AAVE (African-American Vernacular English) is always meant with a harsh gaze. Black women who use Ebonics or AAVE get stamped as uneducated or stupid. You’re told you’re mispronouncing words and folks are looking down their nose at you and correcting your grammar. All signs point to you having to assimilate to be seen as professional or well-read.

Black women, take a moment and inhale. Exhale. Now, repeat these words: My place in the world is not determined by others. If people have preconceived notions about you, that is entirely their problem and their problem alone. You say what you need to say how you want to say it. Use your native tongue, leave letters out of words, and step on the colonized grammar they all hold in such high regard. Hold yourself in high regard! Employers collogues, classmates, teachers, and friends reading this: See the entire person! Get to know the black women in your life before you write them off as something they’re not. The student who mispronounces words might write beautifully. The co-worker who you assume must be mean could be a sweetheart. The friend who you secretly think is a dummy might have a GPA even higher than yours! Love a black woman for who she is, not what society tells you she is.

You Are Not Broken

Unfortunately, a large part of a black woman’s life is abuse. Data shows that black women are the most likely to experience sexual violence. Psychologist and social activist, Dr. Jameta Nicole Barlow, explains how “black women remain vulnerable to sexual violence due to what we call intersectionality, the systematic oppression black women experience based upon their race and gender” (apa.org). This highlights how there is a system in place that restricts and oppresses black women from all angles, therefore, she has no place to escape to sanctuary. According to the National Center on Violence Against Women in the Black Community,

One in four black girls will be sexually abused before the age of 18. . .One in five black women are survivors of rape. . .Seventeen percent of black women experienced sexual violence other than rape by an intimate partner during their lifetime. . .{and} Black women also experience significantly higher rates of psychological abuse — including humiliation, insults, name-calling and coercive control — than women over all(apa.org).

Understanding this, as someone who has come to this commentary for guidance on how to be an ally to black women, what will you do? Oftentimes, black women have to endure victim blaming, which is essentially the practice of putting some or all of the fault on the victim of a crime. Black women are so unprotected that they have to bare both the resulting trauma of abuse as well as be labeled the reason for their pain.

Ladies, you can’t do anything or change anything about yourself to avoid being abused sexually, physically, or psychologically. The only thing to be done is to simply try your best to avoid abusers. People will tell black women they “choose” to be in pain, abused, and mistreated as if they seek it out. No one ever “knows” any rapist personally, yet rapes still happen. What you, the reader of this commentary, need to do is help stop violence against black women.

Question for the men reading this: Do you contribute to rape culture and or violence against women in any way? This includes but is not limited to victim blaming, slut-shaming, sexual objectification, and encouraging sexual activity without consent. This could look like supporting the idea that a “no” means or could lead to a “yes”. It could also look like disrespecting sexual boundaries (doing something your partner is uncomfortable with). If you ever had a thought for a split second that you could answer yes to any of those questions, you already know what you need to do. You’re here to learn how to love black women, so start by taking a stand against rape culture. Men are the number one perpetrators of rape culture, so, logically, they have the most power to stop it. UN Women published a listicle on Medium called “16 ways you can stand against rape culture”. The piece touches on multiple ways to educate yourself and join the conversation around rape so that it may be dismantled and no longer hold power over anyone’s life.

It is heartbreaking that a black woman’s place in the world is one so small, cold, and unloving. She lives in a body that people try to claim for themselves, when she speaks, her words are villainized, and her existence is a crime. Help her make space. Give black women room to be alive in this world instead of making them sit alone in the darkest of corners. Black women are precious. They need to be protected. Despite the largest and roughest of hands trying to break you. You are not broken.

You Have A Right to Heal

To heal something is to alleviate pain, cure, or remedy. Black women have a right to heal themselves. Healing is one of many significant steps in the long journey to loving yourself and being able to receive love from others. For black women, healing must be holistic. You decide where you want to start, but eventually, you’ll see that everything is connected. You set realistic achievable goals for who you are right now. Be specific and concise. Avoid setting these healing goals the way you set your New years resolution. You know the ones. You’ll plan to lose 50 pounds, buy a house, etc. when you know there are a million tiny steps between you and even being close to meeting those expectations you set for yourself. So, you have to start small and connect the dots along the way. The key is to make sure you are healing yourself and not trying to create a version of you that you think others will find more appealing.

The sad and probably obvious truth is that many of the adversities black women face can lead to moderate or serve mental health issues and mental illnesses. Once you’ve experienced trauma, there's no way to go back. Mental health professionals will tell you that once your brain decides to change or adapt to a situation, it can never really go back to how it once was. But not many black women seek help from professionals to learn this, and there lies the problem. This makes for an even longer and tougher journey. Black people in general have difficulties seeking help when it comes to mental health. According to National Alliance on Mental Health,

One study showed that 63% of Black people believe that a mental health condition is a sign of personal weakness. As a result, people may experience shame about having a mental illness and worry that they may be discriminated against due to their condition. For many in the Black community, it can be incredibly challenging to discuss the topic of mental health due to this concern about how they may be perceived by others (nami.org).

Not everyone needs therapy. That is not what this piece is trying to suggest. Some people believe that their problems can be worked out through other means such as spirituality and religious practice. However, some issues require professional help. Black women are often only depicted as “strong” when it benefits others who refuse to acknowledge their pain. She is told to persevere, bounce back, and keep her head up through some of the most painful periods of a person’s life. As stated earlier, black women are forced to walk in some of the darkest corners of the world and are expected to walk there alone. Black women, if you agree with this, imagine for a minute how hard it is to step into the light after all that darkness. Your eyes will burn, you’ll try to shade them, and you might even run back into the dark and embrace the familiar comfort. Mental health professionals can guide you through this.

Therapy will not heal you, but it will help you learn how to heal yourself. Therapists and counselors help keep you motivated, allow you a place to vent, and help you understand your internal struggles on a different level so that you can find the root of your pain, and eventually pluck it from the soil of your soul. The big message here is that when you know you need help, you have to seek it out. No matter what others will think of you; you have the right to heal yourself through the best means you see fit. If possible, it is best to find a black female therapist who can perhaps be a little more qualified to accurately interpret and understand your traumas.

It also tends to make people feel a lot more comfortable when they have a medical professional that looks like them. This is especially true for African-Americans, “given the historical legacy of mistreatment at the hands of the medical profession, witness the Tuskegee syphilis experiment. . .physician greed and racism and expectations of experimentation in routine medical care contributed to their distrust of physicians”(ncbi.gov). This highlights yet another reason black women might choose not to get professional help due to fear and not just shame or embarrassment. The fear is being misdiagnosed, mistreated and abused, or prescribed medication that only makes issues worse. Advice for the black women considering therapy: Do your research and take medical advice with a grain of salt. At the end of the day, you are the one who is truly going to decide what you do with both your body and mind.

If you fall into a group that just doesn’t want to speak with anyone about your “business” think about other ways to sort through and let go of your pain. One way is to take some time and talk through it with yourself. Rather you write it down in a journal or notebook or just sit in a room alone and speak out loud, you have to release it. Look up some methods that work for you, but the best way to get through something that’s hurting you is to confront it head-on, acknowledge how it changed you, forgive yourself, and do your best to not let that pain have power over your future actions. Self-reflection is demanding and not at all easy to do. You will realize a lot about who you are and you’ll witness a domino effect. You might have to start treating people differently, lose connections with those who are harming you, leave home, switch jobs if possible, and in a sense; start from square one with who you are. Because once you start to heal yourself, you’ll realize that you’re transforming.

Black women who are healing need two things from those looking to love them: Support and Understanding. Black women are not perfect. No one is. She is a work in progress, either reconstructing who she is or building who she wants to be. You must support her in her endeavors but also make her feel appreciated for who she is now. It is hard to see the good in people who can’t see it in themselves, but no one ever said the love of any kind was going to be easy. So if you were looking for easy love, you’re in the wrong place! Loving a black woman is not easy. It’s complex, complicated, and everything else you’d expect. But the love you’ll receive from her comes back tenfold.

People say that little girls are like flowers. Little black girls are like flowers too. But they aren’t watered nearly enough, they don’t get enough sunlight, and over time they wilt, lean, and fall to the ground. This is life for black women and girls. You might feel like you’re unsalvageable, but the moment you have space to heal things will start anew. Learning to love yourself will allow you to grow again. Like the flowers that wilt and die each winter, they come back in the spring just as bright and beautiful as ever. Black women have the right to heal. They have the right to grow again, water themselves, and be showered in sunlight. She’ll plant seeds of forgiveness, protection, and worthiness. Let her become an entire garden. A place of worship, nourishment, and sanctuary. Let her grow into loving herself.

Disclaimer: The views, information, or opinions expressed in the above writing are solely those of the author(s). The content of this writing is provided for general interest only. It is not intended to, and does not, amount to advice that you should rely on. This is not in any way an alternative to specific advice. You should obtain the relevant professional or specialist advice before taking, or refraining from, any action based on the content above. If you have questions about any medical matter, you should consult your doctor or other professional healthcare provider without delay. If you think you are experiencing any medical condition you should seek immediate medical attention from a doctor or other professional healthcare provider.